on the nature of bliss

personal note • stories that heal

i’ve been guiding women to pleasure for years now.

during this time, i’ve found that one of the most important questions to ask ourselves is:

how do i relate to pleasure?

for many, it has become a complex, confusing & serious thing.

this comes not only from our experiences, but also from what we were told throughout time.

the stories we’re told about sex, body & pleasure are steeped in sin, shame & fear.

stories like:

a woman called Eve, with her sensual curiosity, caused humanity’s suffering (1)

the female body is cursed by nature & shameful by design (2)

a woman’s lust is insatiable and dangerous (3).

the wise Robin Wall Kimmerer says “origin stories tell us who we are”, and i think we see it clearly here. these stories made us ashamed, disconnected & confused about our sexuality, pleasure & body.

but, there is good news — we can change this reality by changing the stories. since, in Kimmerer’s words, “restoration happens through re-story-ation”. (4)

here are just a few of my favourite stories that re-affirm sexuality, pleasure and womanhood as innately good:

appreciating the erotic body as powerful & sacred:

• nature-based traditions perceive the earth herself as alive & erotic; our bodies are born from & fueled by her pulsating power; Eros.

• in shakti tantra, the vulva symbolizes the goddess & divine feminine power (the sanskrit word for female genitalia “yoni” means “source”, “origin of the universe”)

archetypes & goddesses that embody pleasure:

• lalita is the hindu goddess of erotic innocence. she’s also called “she whose body is bliss” or “she who plays”.

• aphrodite is the greek goddess of sexual love & pleasure. she provokes desire and embodies primal sexuality.

scientific research that affirms the benefits of pleasure:

• erotic pleasure is healthy for our nervous system, as it encourages a parasympathetic state (“rest & digest”). self-pleasure truly is a form of self-care.

• pleasure is supportive for our mental health; the hormonal release includes opioids, oxytocin & dopamine, which leads to confidence & connection.

through these perspectives, we can challenge the conditioning that limits us, and start to see our pleasure & erotic body as it truly is; beautiful, innocent, and important.

why is this shift of perspective important?

Eros is our life force. without it, we lack vitality.

sexual energy is creative energy. without it, we lack inspiration.

our sexual center is our root. without it, we lack grounding.

in other words, pleasure leads to power, connection & embodiment.

it’s what makes us feel alive.

as Esther Perel says:

“There is a difference between ‘living’ and ‘being alive’. We are meant to feel aliveness, to be alive, to restore life on this earth, and to breathe life into others.”

and so yes, my love, your pleasure is important.

picture by lisa

wisdom weavings • reclaiming pleasure

unlocking our potential for pleasure is entwined with our innermost sense of safety.

a woman’s body simply cannot become aroused if her nervous system isn’t relaxed; we need a clear ‘yes’ from within to open

.

in her book, Vagina, Naomi Wolf, explains:

“in women, the biology of arousal is more delicate than most of us understand, and it depends significantly on this sensitive, magical, slowly calmed, and easily inhibited system [the autonomic nervous system].”

our sensitivity, then, is our pathway both towards and away from pleasure.

in Come as You Are, author Emily Nagoski describes this as like having an accelerator and a brake on our sexual response;

the accelerator (our “turn-on”) activates a relaxed & erotic state, while the brake (our “turn-off”) triggers a stress response & shuts us down.

as we navigate this fast-paced, goal-oriented world, it makes complete sense that as women, we’re unconsciously pressing the brake on our capacity for pleasure. 

because, in the end, how we do life is how we do sex. (5)

by becoming aware of what might be hitting our brakes, and becoming curious as to what might gently press the accelerator instead, we can start to reclaim pleasure – and sex – as something innocent and vital.

on this process, Holly Richmond writes —

“as you learn to prioritize pleasure, sex will transcend as an act of physicality to become an undertaking of self forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-empowerment. pleasure is your outstretched hand in search of eros, your vital life force that extends far beyond the bedroom.”

this, as Holly so beautifully describes, is the invitation:

to learn to approach pleasure as a life-affirming act.

not only to lead us towards deeper, more orgasmic states, but to ripple out into all aspects of our human experience.

photo by ella iris

practice for exploration • playing with eros

we experience pleasure through our senses. as Holly writes —

Awareness and curiosity are two of the most vital principles you can embrace while reclaiming your sexual pleasure (6)

so this is an invitation to awaken your senses.

let’s give it a try.

as you read this, become aware of the sounds around you.

what are you hearing?

notice how sound waves effortlessly flow into your ears. can you feel their texture, their proximity?

now, become aware of the fact that you’re breathing.

the light touch of air in your nose, its smooth cadence. feel how the wave gently lifts & drops your chest.

can you feel that, if you notice closely, the simple act of breathing is quite enjoyable, maybe even pleasurable?

grow sensitive to the senses, to find pleasure in anything.

your ability to notice the details of this moment, directly correlates to your capacity for bliss.

so, become curious;

what is it like to live in this body now?

can you feel the blood flowing, the skin tingling, the heart beating?

sink into the bones, and into the knowing what an absurd opportunity it is to be an animal with such sensual awareness.

become enchanted with yourself. marvel in your aliveness.

this is your innocent, essential truth.

this is what makes any moment erotic,

and any sensation pleasurable.

bring this awareness & curiosity into sexual moments & you’ll find yourself opening in a whole new way.

let’s end with an incredible poem from the radiance sutras, that brings it all together:

With one sweep of attention,Gather in the whole universeAnd remember itAs your body of bliss.The deep rhythms of life,Pulsating,Stir an ambrosiaFlowing and overflowing everywhere.Drink the nectarOf all-pervading joyFrom the radiant cupThat is this very body.

may you remember your body as a source of goodness,

may you reclaim your erotic body as fully yours.

much love,

jess & temple team

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1 in the beautiful book Braiding Sweetgrass, Robin Wall Kimmerer compares the biblical origin story to her indigenous origin story “Skywoman Falling”. in the Bible, Adam & Eve are banned from paradise as a punishment for Eve’s sensual curiosity. in Skywoman Falling, Skywoman arrives on earth & cocreates the lands with animals. Kimmerer argues that the one story leads to exploitation, the other to respect for the natural world. ecofeminism is rooted in the belief that the same dynamic applies to how we relate to our bodies & sexuality; the repression & exploitation of land, resources & indigeneity is also reflected in repression & exploitation of (female) bodies & sexuality.

2 in Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski describes how medieval anatomists believed female genitals “hide” between the legs, because they are ashamed. in contrast to male genitalia, which they believed are “proudly” facing forward. this belief reflects an ancient connection between female bodies & shame. in dutch, the labia are still called “shame-lips”.

3 the danger of female lust is a fundamental idea in the Witch Hunt ideology described in Malleus Maleficarum (the manifesto that led to a peak in witch trials). Susan Smit, a witch & writer, describes how the “Brandstapelangst”; the fear of the stake, still subconsciously keeps many women from fully owning their body, power & pleasure.

4 the concept of re-story-ation is introduced by Robin Wall Kimmerer, in relation to ecology. she introduces stories that communicate interconnectedness, interdependence & deep respect for the living world. through these stories, she hopes to shift people’s perspectives.

5 Sexologist Juliet Allen says that how we approach sex, is often how we approach all areas of our life. In a similar way, Esther Perel speaks about how “the bedroom” is like a magnifying glass; it shows us how we relate to everything. in both perspectives, shifting our sexuality can ripple into all facets of life.

6 Holly Richmond’s “Reclaiming Pleasure” is an incredible resource for those who experienced sexual trauma (which is more of us then we dare to admit) & seek to heal from it.